Parenting By Gen Xers Has Gone To The Dogs
December 1, 2009 / 7:19 pm • By Dr. Melissa ClouthierThe New York Times weighs in on child rearing. Seems Gen X is learning how to train kids from a dog trainer. Might as well. It will probably work better than how Generation X was raised.
Boomers seemed to fall into two categories: Imperial domination/subservience or peer/friend. My parents chose the former. The neighbor’s kids were raised by the latter. Which turned out better? Well, parenting can’t account for raw intelligence or natural gifts, so I don’t know what can account for differing outcomes.
The New York Times generalized that Boomers were all buddy-buddy with their kids and concerned about self-actualization. Eh. I don’t think so. Not all of them. Many still wanted their kids to just shut up and get the chores done. And oh, by the way, come home before dark.
Malcolm Gladwell in Outliers made some circular arguments about how to get the most out of your kid. He described two parenting styles that could be described as authoritarian or collaborative. I think that’s a little extreme. Many parents these days fall somewhere between the two poles, or they bounce back and forth.
Since I’ve got a kid on the autism spectrum, I’m fully versed in behavioral methods for achieving outcomes. Positive reinforcement, extinction, and rarely, punishment, all get used. Most of all, stay calm and centered. Children smell weakness. You can bet the fit will be thrown when you’re PMS’d, on the phone and in the middle of Target…not that I would know anything about that, it’s just an example.
I don’t see nearly as many indulgent, reasoning, cajoling parents as I did back in the day. Maybe it’s just that I’m too consumed with making sure none of my brood has a full-on humiliating public melt-down that I don’t have time to worry about some other poor parenting slob’s techniques.
I also don’t see the arm-yanking public spankings of yore. Is it because parents are afraid to discipline a kid in public? In one personally memorable case, I had to assert my authority at the Mall one day and took the kid to the parking lot hoping there was no camera on my car in the parking lot. Turning out a decent human being won out over my fear of a CPS visit. [FYI: It was a stern talk and mild spanking, but it worked enough that all I had to ask after that was, "Do we need to go to the car?"] Often, children challenge boundaries in public places to test a parent’s resolve. It only takes one or two times where they know that the environment will not change the outcome for them to comfortably adopt well-socialized behavior both in public and private. Often, parents are afraid to publicly discipline because of the stigma on an old-fashioned spanking.
Public discipline is frowned upon. Well, corporal punishment is frowned upon. That doesn’t mean parents aren’t doing something to try and get the desired behavior out of a child. Often, parents resort to violence. In fact, if these statistics are to be believed, child abuse has increased an alarming amount since the late 80s. [More here.] I wonder how much of this is due to single parenthood and a culture where people have kids without being around younger children growing up so the out-of-control behavior of babies and toddlers is overwhelming and a shock.
There seems to be a tendency to believe the new, modern way is the “better way”. The Cesar Milan methods seem very good, actually. Firm, balanced, loving, pragmatic. Yakking away to a toddler is about as effective as reasoning with a pet poodle.
9 Responses to “Parenting By Gen Xers Has Gone To The Dogs”
December 1 2009 / 9:35 pm
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I write as a mom of four who is also disabled and a service dog handler. I trained my own dog (with help from a pro)…and training is an ongoing process with the dog. Okay, so training is also an ongoing process with the kids. My dog is a tool, like a wheelchair. I know the difference between my service dog and my kids (and my kids and my dog know the difference, too).
I have to say that I groaned when I read your headline because I am totally opposed to people treating their kids like mere pets… but after reading and thinking about it, I thought I should put in my two cents about how young parents actually can benefit from learning dog training. I’m not familiar with the “Dog Whisperer” at all. I do watch Victoria Stillwell (It’s Me or the Dog) and trust me, it’s not as easy as she makes it look….but if you watch Victoria, you’ll learn something about the importance of consistency and self-discipline. Parents today are sorely lacking in these two areas. A dog has only a two-second attention span and communication with a dog is more difficult, obviously, than with a person. My view is that if parents learn how to train a dog, it can actually have the effect of “training” the parent. You can’t train a dog unless you are consistent and have the self-discipline to be consistent at all times. If you commit to dog training, it can teach YOU how to be consistent and self-disciplined. This would, I think, translate into a person becoming a better parent.
DON’T treat the kid like a dog! Do get a dog and learn how to train it to teach yourself self-discipline and consistency so that these qualities will come much easier for you in dealing with your children.
I recommend Pat Miller’s book on Positive Dog Training. Any dog will do for this purpose, but do be sure to choose a dog that will fit well with your family.
December 2 2009 / 9:55 am
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Fascinating concept… applying dog training concepts to child rearing. I actually love watching Caesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer compassionately work with dog owners and their pets. As a parenting coach, compassion is a key to working with parents, and children.
Too often parent frustration can disintegrate into yelling or hitting. Then, instead of core values, what they are teaching is fear and domination. I agree with Lisa that consistency in parenting is essential. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and always follow through.
Parents become positive role models by walking their talk. As parents attempt to instill the skills and attitudes that children ultimately need to be ready to go out into the world and live on their own, hopefully, they can also demonstrating the kind of wisdom and self-control necessary for these children to successfully parent the next generation.
December 2 2009 / 11:26 am
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Here’s a question about the “child abuse has increased an alarming amount since the late 80s”… Is it that ABUSE has increased, or our definition of abuse has been lowered to include anything more than a simple pat on the head?
I fit with you Mel, my parents were strict on discipline. It got to the point where my dad didn’t have to say anything, he just had to look at me a certain way and I knew, whatever I was doing at the moment, I need to stop doing it!
December 2 2009 / 10:27 pm
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Darth,
I think you’re right about definitions, but the family make-up has changed over the years, too. There are more split families, more single-parenthood, more kids without fathers in the home, etc. It’s probably a combination of factors.
Being consistent is absolutely necessary. And firm. I believe a lot of “spankers” in the previous generation resorted to physical punishment as a shorthand for explicit expectations and consistent follow-through.
December 3 2009 / 5:30 am
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I agree, Dr. M., particularly with your use of the word “shorthand”. My kids are 9-16. If I had very little time to donate to my children, I would probably be a spanker. As it is, I rarely do it. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I spanked one of them, yet I am frequently complimented by others on how well-behaved my children are compared to the norm. As it is, I spend a great deal of time talking with my kids, with good results.
My parents had five boys and me. All of us would agree that it was more painful to get “a good talking to” from our dad (who didn’t spank, as a rule) than it was to get a spanking from our mom (who didn’t hold back from spanking us). When I was a kid, the teachers all had paddles…..and would use them…..but I would have to say the discipline I remember most strongly is when I was taken into the hall, as a sixth grader, by three teachers and given a lecture by all three at once.
I don’t think spanking, per se, is abuse…..but I do think it is “shorthand”. By the same token, a parent shouldn’t be willing to “negotiate” things with kids very often, so I’ve found you are also right that parents should be “firm” with their children.
December 3 2009 / 8:37 am
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Behavioral principles are behavioral principles wether you work them on dogs or people. It’s not that big of a stretch to apply ‘dog training’ to ‘child training’. Clicker training devotees talk all the time about using clicker training on their spouses and children. One of the funniest South Park episodes I saw was when Caesar Milan used his training methods to train Cartman.
Caesar Milan has his schtick and it seems to work well with him, so more power to him I say. I don’t have cable and have only flipped through his books so it’s a little hard to critique him, but the principles underlying his methods seem pretty standard stuff. The specific methods, again mostly standard stuff, some of which I use. Some of the methods seem to fall in the category of what Job Michael Evans called ’superstitious’ training methods – his own specific twist on how to do a method.
December 3 2009 / 8:53 am
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Okay, I use clicker training for my dog training……and I’m really freaked out by the suggestion that I should use clicker training with a human being. Seriously??? You have GOT to be joking. That’s a joke, right?
December 3 2009 / 9:47 am
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Of course I’m not kidding, go to some of the clicker websites and ask about it. People get into it. Granted, sometimes a little too much. Really though, it’s just applying operant conditioning (Skinner?) behavioral principles, so no reason not to apply to towards people as well as animals.
Karen Pryor’s book ‘Don’t Shoot the Dog’ is not so much about dog training as it is using operant conditioning/clicker training in any area you want to modify behavior, wether of a person or animal. You won’t use a clicker of course, but some other substitute.
December 3 2009 / 11:08 am
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Oh, dear. He’s not kidding.