The Pressured Dating Game
February 16, 2009 / 11:47 am • By Dr. Melissa ClouthierMy blog friend Robert Stacy McCain sent me a link to his latest article, where he admonishes a young man for his blown chance at a suitably smart hottie. He probably thinks I am never going to link his piece, but that’s not true. I’ve been pondering it, instead.
Robert’s article coincides with a dear friend’s search for a good man. I recounted how, at the end of her date on Friday, the guy leaned in to give her a good-night face lick. I am not kidding. And as if that insult wasn’t enough, the man requested that she bite his neck and scratch his back. He was divorced (huh, I wonder why), professional and good looking. What in the hell?
Perhaps with the advent of technology or the decline in formal social protocols or the increase and ubiquity of porn or the elevation of the pop culture, people have just lost the ability to know what to do on a date. Note to men: face licking is a no-no. In fact, I feel safe in saying that if you take face licking out of your whole wooing repetoire, no one is going to complain.
One of the problems with online dating is the false familiarity it can provide. A person can share intimate details, have good conversations in that format, but there’s no accounting for in-person chemistry. And then, once in person, there is a tendency to be over-familiar. The physical part of the relationship can be too much too soon. Just because one person on IM feels the vibe doesn’t mean the other person does.
I know of successful dating outcomes from online dating. In fact, I’m thinking of two happily married couples right now. So, the method works for lots of people and works well. There are advantages, too, to learning how a person’s mind works before seeing the body.
When a person meets face to face, the mind connection can get lost in the body chemistry data. The problem these days is that people don’t give themselves enough time in person to get to know the mind. More than a few relationships fail because the chemistry brought a couple together but that’s all that’s there.
So it seems like there’s a dichotomy. Guys like Robert mentions have trouble “closing the deal”, but why is there pressure? He meets her. He likes her. She likes him. They can continue the conversation…that’s all dating really is. In this rushed world, time pressure, business, activities of life interfere with relationship building. Ironically, the pressure to move a relationship into the physical realm often short-circuits the inherent pleasure of getting to know someone and connecting with them. Online dating can help or hurt this process. So can in-person dating.
Dating has always been challenging, but it seems that in the deluge of busy-ness and information, relationships often stay in the superficial realm. Relationships are treated as snacks to nibble on and a good full meal rarely gets experienced. That’s how you can end up with so many unmarried young women and so many men who have trouble “closing the deal”. There’s too much pressure–time, cultural, sexual–all the way around.
11 Responses to “The Pressured Dating Game”
February 16 2009 / 12:34 pm
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I roared when I read about the face licking. That is soooooooooo gross!
February 16 2009 / 1:23 pm
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“So many unmarried women” (which well out-number numbers of men already) are victims of their selfish expectations, many of which are directly at odds with each other. They have taken what was already disparity in numbers, making for fierce competition, and added to it acceptance of feminism and homosexuality, and personally loose standards of behavior, lowering their own value. They disrespect the value of domestic skills, and motherhood, and of traditional manhood in general. The results are obvious and generally spread, even to those who may not be counted among any of the above negatives. The “Sisterhood” are victims of THEMSELVES.
February 16 2009 / 4:40 pm
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I have a different take on this. I think it’s only a symptom of a larger problem, which is that a lot of people these days grow up without ever experiencing what we would think of as a “normal” relationship, and they simply have no idea how to go about it. I’m reminded of a woman I used to work with several years ago. She was a nice enough lady, but she was very pessimistic about everything. Some of the other people in the department got to talking to her, and found out that her family’s life was totally dysfunctional. They simply had no idea how to relate to each other. The husband and wife seldom did anything together. The husband spent every dime he made, because the concept of financial planning was foreign to him. The wife spent her every waking moment, when she wasn’t at work, waiting on her children hand and foot, because she thought that’s what a mother was supposed to do. Neither of the adults had the slightest concept of how to cook food, so they ate every single meal out. And so on.
Co-workers started giving the lady some “how to live life as an adult” tips. And she accepted them gratefully, and her quality of life seemed to improve. It was remarkable. And we’re talking about some pretty successful middle-class people here. What kinds of circumstances did they grow up in where they never learned what a husband and wife are supposed to do for each other, or how adults are supposed to relate to children? Well, I can say from personal experience that there was a lot of that happening starting in the early ’70s.
The face-licker may have honestly thought that that would be perceived as romantic, or coyly sexual (think about it). No doubt he got that from mass media somewhere. Why would he think it was a good idea? Because he never learned any different. When he was growing up, he was probably not taught the first thing about relationships by his parents. Assuming that he had two parents in his life — something you can’t assume these days.
We’re going to be seeing a lot more of this over the next decade. I hope the up-and-coming generation can turn it around, because it might be the single biggest threat to social order in the future. People who have no concept of how to relate to others are bound to face inexplicable (to them) rejection. The result will be vast pool of people who are bitter at society in general, and businesses, employers, and the opposite sex in particular.
February 16 2009 / 7:07 pm
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JDavid, definitely agree with you. I see that sort of nonsense on my campus all the time. And who really needs that in their life? I certainly don’t.
Cousin Dave,
I may be super pessimist here, but I’m not sure they’re capable of turning it around. The way to turn it around is to actually have role models to teach them otherwise. Where do you see them? They’re not really around (note: I’m definitely not saying I’m perfect, far from it). Some of the student workers whom I interact with tell me stuff that just completely blows my mind and it’s perfectly normal to them. It totally floors me.
Oh well, I’ll just keep my head down while the china flies all over the place…
February 17 2009 / 12:33 am
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Any time I lose patience with my dear, darling husband, I remind myself, “It could be worse. Without him, you’d have to go out and DATE.”
I am so glad I’m out of that, I can’t begin to tell you.
February 17 2009 / 7:26 am
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Dr. Melissa,
Since the bedroom farce heyday of movies, in the late 1950’s and 1960’s we as a nation have come to regard dating as a way to find a companion – but treat dating as a social recreational sport.
Before then, most often people were lumped into two categories of “seekers” – those looking for sex adventures, and those looking to start a family. And woe to the family-types that fall afoul of the sportsters.
Since the 1960’s, most of the family seekers have been ignored or disparaged, except within some secular or spiritual communities. Main stream media, advertising, and pop culture make more money from perpetual daters and sex adventurers (and predators) – so that is the prevailing public image of “relationships”.
The strength of a community, a church, a nation, of course, is the progeny raised within that culture to transmit the parent’s values and ways of life to the next generation.
For women past high school, I would recommend selecting a life-mate prospect, and never dating anyone else. That is not the same as never dating, nor does it mean marrying the first guy you date. A life-mate should be honest, respectful, have good emotional bonds to family, friends, and co-workers. A life-mate should be disciplined in action and emotions – not cold and emotionless, and not hot-tempered, inconsiderate, or easily frustrated or impatient. You want a co-parent, someone that is good with children and small animals (they improve under his care – he must cherish them, not tolerate them). Such a person of character, whether you intend children together or not, will make a more secure and satisfying mate.
Run from hotties, from people with slick pickup lines, that are too easy to get to know intimately. Winning bed partners is a life skill, practiced by perpetual daters and sex adventurers. People don’t change, and life skills like these will threaten any relationship. Someone that your perfume attracts, or your hairdo, or your jewelry (or *shudder* piercings or tats) will likely be distracted by the perfume, etc. on another person later on.
As for the face licking, assume butt-ugly ignorance. “Yuck. You can take that licking stuff home with you.” “Wow. You have some really strong sex fantasies, but I was looking for a secure and stable mate. I will keep looking for someone suitable. Thanks for the evening. Bye.” OK, so good retorts seldom occur in a timely fashion. But still.
Some time in the mid to late twenties, many men separate into two groups – those that have given up actively seeking a mate or found one, and those that have gotten skilled at chasing skirts and winnning bed partners. Hint: Never talk to anyone where they serve alcohol, that you didn’t arrive with. Bars and clubs cater to sex adventurers, not committed couples and people of character looking for a life-mate. There is money to be made from people dating recreationally – not nearly as much from stable and comfortable life-mates.
The “good man” candidates, past 30, may be working, living, participating in their community – and you may need to network with respected people to find them. You also have to be ready to convince them they are even interested in a change in their life style – you are asking a lot of them.
If you are a “hottie” when you meet a guy – how are you going to then expect him to accept that you are a respectable, honorable, disciplined person later on? How are you going to be secure from worrying that the next hottie he encounters, or the one after, will distract him?
For successful couples, online dating re-introduces what our grandparents (or their parents, anyway) knew – check the back ground, the family, the values, the discipline, the character, the values and accomplishments. Select for an appropriate mate-type background, then proceed to build a life together.
Hint: A woman’s objective is to make a date fun for the guy (I was told once). If she doesn’t enjoy making it fun for him, or if he doesn’t have fun, they shouldn’t be on that date. Pleasing your companion takes knowledge of who your companion is, respect and regard for them, and a desire to share joy. It also takes feeling valued by your companion, respected and cherished. After there are vows or children there are responsibilities to preserve the relationship.
One serious problem with dating, is visitor status. When you exchange intimacy before formally mating or marrying or handfasting, one or the other partner is present *by invitation*. Invitations can be withdrawn, there are untold ways to cause offense – and lose your invite. “No sex before the third date; call within 24-72 hours after” rules distract from the serious business of selecting a life partner. Evaluate character, instead of evaluating “off-sides” behavior according to Dating Etiquette – that you or he may have mis-read.
I like that comedian a couple months back, that decided (when his daughters started dating) women should be more like Detroit car makers. They should withhold “benefits” until he serves a 90 day probation period!
February 17 2009 / 12:20 pm
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Trish, I’m right with you on that. And Mat, I’m trying to be the optimist. But I’ll admit it’s not easy. However, I’m finding that a lot of these young people do realize, in the backs of their minds, that something is wrong; they just don’t know what to do about it. You take then and explain a few things to them, and they try it and their lives improve, and there’s this huge sigh of relief: “Oh, *that’s* how it’s supposed to work!”
February 18 2009 / 3:26 am
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As a divorcee with a certain amount of experience in intenet dating, I fully relate to the idea that we think we know each other just by e-mailing, and as soon as we meet, there’s a lack of patience, especially (in my case) from the male side.
I ended quite a few potentialy interesting relationships because the guy felt we were ready for sex almost before we had a cup of coffee together. I’m not adverse to sex and I’m not a prude, but I’d have liked to have got to know them a bit first before checking out their mattress.
And about the neck-licking thing…GROSS!
February 19 2009 / 11:16 am
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No guy should ever expect a woman to have sex on the first or second date. Would you expect to get an important job after just one interview?
OTOH, no guy should tell a woman he loves her until there has been at least some level of sexual intimacy//not necessarily intercourse, but enough to demonstrate that she is very sexually attracted to him. If he is premature on this, she will automatically view him as weak/desperate and will consign him to the category of “friend.” Lots of potentially good relationships have been blown this way.
February 19 2009 / 2:05 pm
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Were I not disposed to be a *realist* by my temperament I would be more inclined to a sympathy for Cousin Dave’s argument. I agree that it is true, in fact, but any of this group(s)we’re talking about that has rejected, or just not affirmatively accepted spiritual/Biblical life choices has crippled ability to choose a spouse.
This culture accepts, and will be held responsible accordingly, a non-spiritual mate(s) selection process. The primary concern in all choices is *me first*, not a macro-responsibility, starting with a nuclear family and working outward. Many of the marriages that actually happen will end for the same reason. Marriage is the very first – and second most important – building block of a culture.
Not knowing better than to make the choices they are making will not be an excuse, as “ignorance is no excuse” for not obeying ANY law, especially when those metaphysical *laws* are yet available for those who suspect they may be about to make flawed choices. The end of a culture/civilization will be inevidable when enough of its members eschew universal absolutes not up for a majority vote, but immutable nonetheless. One is always ultimately responsible for they choices they make/don’t make, not anyone else.
March 4 2009 / 9:54 am
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face licking? seriously? i’m in highschool, and i’ve never heard of that before! that is DISGUSTING!!!
that guy who did that needs to get over himself.