Obama’s Centrism Praised: Finally, Iowahawk Gets It
October 31, 2008 / 8:08 am • By Dr. Melissa ClouthierOnce again my beer guzzlin’, hot-rod driving, roarin’ engine lovin’ redneck blog buddy captures the essence of….well, you read it and you’ll see. Here’s a taste, but the whole thing is parody perfection:
When my late father T. Coddington Van Voorhees VI founded the iconoclastic conservative journal National Topsider in 1948, he famously declared that “Now is the time for all good conservative helmsmen to hoist the mizzen, pour the cocktails, and steer this damned schooner hard starboard.” In the 60 years since he first uttered it after one-too-many Cosmopolitans at one of Pamela Harriman’s notorious foreign policy black tie balls, father’s pithy bon mot has served as a rallying cry for conservatives from Greenwich to Chevy Chase. Today, I say it’s time for we conservatives to once again grab the rigging and set sail with the flotilla of the true conservative in this race: Barack Obama.
Trust me, I haven’t taken this tack lightly. No Van Voorhees has supported an avowed socialist since great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpapa Cragmont Van Voorhees lent Peter Minuet $24 and a sack of wampum to swing a subprime mortgage on Manhattan Island. Old dad himself often recounted how, as a lad, he would command the family chauffeur Carleton to drive the Duesenberg down to the Times Square Trans-Lux so he could hiss Roosevelt. But I’ve taken a good measure of this Obama fellow, and I must say I like the cut of the man’s jib.
How can I say this, you ask? One look at this Obama chap is all the answer you need. Suave, tanned, unflappable, Harvard connections; it’s obvious that here is a man to the conservative manor born. One imagines him at the helm of the Ship of State, basked in the sunlight diffusing through the seaspray over the bow, like some beautiful rugged Othello from a rapturous Ralph Lauren catalog, calmly issuing instructions to the deck crew in that magnificent mellifluous baritone of his. It’s that easy-going, almost effortless grace that has all the A-list conservatives like David Frum and Kathleen Parker whispering Reaganesque in hushed tones. Even Peggy Noonan — the Grand Dame of Gipperism — has succumbed to Obama’s undeniable conservative charms. Just last month I listened to her wax poetic about the Adonis of Chicago between chukkers at the Newport Club polo tournament final. “Why Peggy, you old dowager,” I quipped, “I believe you just had an orgasm.”
Please, please go read the whole thing. Here’s the link again if you’re too lazy to scroll up. Hey, I know my gun totin’, bango-strummin’ readership. Scrolling up takes some effort.
5 Responses to “Obama’s Centrism Praised: Finally, Iowahawk Gets It”
October 31 2008 / 9:17 am
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Obama will destroy the USA. Bush has had the unenviable job cleaning up Clinton’s policies of the 90s. Spread the wealth? How f’kd up is that? Giving to others, what other hardworking Americans earned themselves? How does destroying others benefit the nation? Taxing only the wealthy? Wealthy will drive up the costs of the goods and services they produce, then everybody pays more. Facto, reduce the burden on all Americans, everyone benefits. Thank you for the fall of the good ole U S of A.
October 31 2008 / 9:49 am
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David Gergen recently pointed out that the graduated income tax was introduced by Teddy Roosevelt and the earned income credit was introduced under Ronald Reagan. Those damn socialists! They probably got their ideas from that communist Jesus Christ.
October 31 2008 / 9:56 am
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I love Iowahawk
October 31 2008 / 10:29 am
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Iowa Hawk is great. If we want to win, we need to get drive these phony blue blood country club types the leadership.
Its not surprising Chris Buckley et al. like Obama, he’s one of them. Harvard Law, Columbia, Private prep school, etc. His blackness has concealed what a typical Ivy-League Liberal Democrat he is. No different from Kerry or Dukakis.
October 31 2008 / 1:03 pm
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My brother, a talented but too-busy writer, “… was going to try to write Obamacon satire, but I can’t match this.”
http://rightcoast.typepad.com/rightcoast/2008/10/obama-for-president-tom-smith.html
I love Iowahawk’s take — he skewers the canapés-set take on “people like us” perfectly — but I think Smith’s is even better, which is saying a lot. Smith’s line on Israel — well, put down the drink and swallow thoroughly before you get to that line.
You can’t go wrong with either of these satires, even if the whole country’s about to go Carter-now-available-in-black wrong on the macro level.
See you all in re-ed camp. All the best people (although, perhaps, not as Coddington VII would define “best”) will be there!