Finally, Someone Defends The American Everyman..And It’s Not Joe The Plumber
October 25, 2008 / 12:17 am • By Dr. Melissa ClouthierIowahawk once again captures the anger and frustration of average American voters fed up with the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy that’s trying to keep Bill down (not THAT Bill–although he was persecuted something awful, too, which was just a sign of the cryptofascistracists who hate horny, middle-aged white men. I mean he is white and an alpha male. It’s not like he could help it.):
Every time I turn on the internet these days, it seems like another right wing blogger is digging up more baloney on Professor Bill Ayers. Apparently these people would rather talk about Bill Ayers’ passionate youthful rambunctiousness than the issues that really matter to us, like Sarah Palin’s shoe bill. Well, I’ve got a message for you, Mister Google cache McCarthy fascist: I’m mad as H-E-double sippy straws, and I’m not going to take it any more. No longer will not remain silent while you smear and slur this great America-hating American with his own quotes. Hear me now: when you mess with Bill Ayers, you’re messing with me.
Because I AM BILL.
I AM BILL. I am the everyday forgotten little guy in your neighborhood, the quiet anarcho-syndicalist family man who gets up early and punches the clock at the local state university, writing the manifestos and polemics and grant proposals that keep America humming. I’m just doing my job, and all I ask in return is a little respect. And tenure. And Chicago Citizen of the Year awards. And two graduate assistants to grade exams for Practicum in Imperialist Racist Hegemony 311, because I’m teaching two sections this semester. Also, a sabbatical to Italy next summer would be nice.I AM BILL. I grew up in a simple little gated community just like yours, with white picket fences and where all the aux pairs and gardeners know your name. When my dad came home from a hard day’s work as a CEO, he was never too tired to help me with my homework or tousle my hair for winning the Lake Forest Academy essay contest on Hegelian Dialectics. Yes, he was a simpleminded bourgeois technocrat of the capitalist war machine, but he made sure I got the tuition and tutors and sailing lessons and allowance I needed to make it on my own. I wish he was still alive so I could tell him how much I really planned to kill him last.
There is much more from Iowahawk. Without this fairness, Bill Ayers would be just another persecuted liberal. And we don’t even have the Fairness Doctrine yet.
9 Responses to “Finally, Someone Defends The American Everyman..And It’s Not Joe The Plumber”
By Glynn W. on Oct 25, 2008 | Reply
Dear Red State Righties…
We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we’re taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their
children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our
resources in Bush’s Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States
(source: thanks, Craigslist - yet another Blue State creation)
By Chalmers on Oct 25, 2008 | Reply
Wow, amazing. Well it is not surprising that a new call to secede would come from Democrats, again. Well, we (the Republicans) kicked your asses back then and we can do it again if we need to. Your comprehensive craigslist manifesto left out some really important aspects of what the red states have to offer, but that is fine. We will let you figure that out after we have rid ourselves of you people.
By steve on Oct 25, 2008 | Reply
I AM Steve the janitor and a McCain win would hurt me. I could loosed my company insureance. My job, higher gas and food prices and see the rich get more. Joe the plumber is a joke anyway when it has been proven he would get more under OBAMA,S plan. Keep your tv,s on folks. Watch countdown and Rachel,s show. Listen to the hate filled talk radio on how they want to keep this country divided. Most of all, put your liberal game face on and vote for OBAMA.
By LLC on Oct 25, 2008 | Reply
These were some funny posts! It’s like SNL around here. I laughed at both Iowahawk’s post and Glynn’s! But two comments for both:
First, to Iowahawk: Isn’t free association a fundamental right in this country? Y’know, First Amendment and all that? Wouldn’t any of us be appalled if our justice system began convicting people and sending them to the gallows based on guilt by association? I have friends with whom I share many common ideas while simultaneously having wide differences of opinion on other matters. Since when is it a crime to have friends with whom you don’t agree 100%? The question becomes even more ridiculous when you factor in the whole lifetime of opinions and positions and actions of one’s friends. Do you agree with EVERYTHING that all of your friends have ever said and done?
Second, to Glynn: Without the Red States, the New Blue Confederation of States would be hurting. For one thing, it would have virtually none of the nation’s wheat or corn. Maybe some people can live on fruits and nuts from California forever, but I love my pancakes! We would also have virtually none of the other cereal grains like canola, flax, barley, lentils, rye, and very little beef because all the feedstocks are grown in Red States. We would have none of the nation’s gold, except what someone scrounged up out of California’s dirt. Worst of all — and perhaps most important as far as the future of the Blue Confederacy is concerned — the Red States would have (I believe) all of the WMDs in the present United States.
By Paul Gordon on Oct 25, 2008 | Reply
Iowahawk and Jim Treacher ( http://jimtreacher.com/ ).
May they get together some day.
They would be the “Coen Brothers” of blogging.
By Dr. Melissa Clouthier on Oct 25, 2008 | Reply
Who here is friends with an unrepentant terrorist? Associations matter and people judge one by the company that one keeps.
Imagine if John McCain were chummy with David Duke or had ever been close buds with him. Would he have a chance?
By Dr. Melissa Clouthier on Oct 25, 2008 | Reply
Glynn:
What a revealing display of snobbery. Just for a little balance:
We get refined oil. You get an energy crisis.
We get water. You get a desert. (We’ll take everything East of the Hoover Dam and the Mississippi thank you.)
We get Mt. Rushmore, the Grand Canyon, the Rockies, the Blue Ride Mountains, you get Lake Erie.
Tell you what: Let us keep all the areas with Repubicans in your Blue States. No reason for them to suffer. We’ll take San Diego, upstate New York everything outside of Madison, Chicago, and Detroit. You get New Orleans and Washington, DC. It would be unfair to have those liberal bastions stuck with us gun-loving Red Staters.
Do we have a deal?
By Glynn W. on Oct 25, 2008 | Reply
Truth hurts, doesn’t it, Doctor?
And the truth is I’ll take a California Cabernet over one of your deep fried Twinkies any day.
Truth is, Blue states contribute give over a dollar to the federal treasury - and Red states take over a dollar. It’s a deficit we are sick of supporting.
Here’s an bit of truth from an article written four years ago (Givers and Takers, Daniel H. Pink) that expands the point:
****
Each year, the Tax Foundation, a nonprofit research group, crunches numbers from the Census Bureau to produce an intriguing figure: how much each state receives in federal spending for every dollar it pays in federal taxes.
Using the Tax Foundation’s analysis, it’s possible to group the 50 states into two categories: Givers and Takers. Giver states get back less than a dollar in spending for every dollar they contribute to federal coffers. Taker states pocket more than a dollar for every tax dollar they send to Washington.
Thirty-three states are Takers; 16 are Givers.
(One state, Indiana, has a perfect one-to-one ratio of taxes paid and spending received.)
The Democrats’ electability predicament comes into focus when you compare the map of Giver and Taker states with the well-worn electoral map of red (Republican) and blue (Democrat) states.
You might expect that Republicans, supposedly the party of low taxes and limited government, would have carried the Giver states - while Democrats, the party of wild spending and wooly bureaucracy, would appeal to the Taker states. But it was the reverse. George W. Bush is the candidate of the Taker states. Al Gore was the candidate of the Giver states.
Consider:
78 percent of Mr. Bush’s electoral votes came from Taker states. 76 percent of Mr. Gore’s electoral votes came from Giver states.
Of the 33 Taker states, Mr. Bush carried 25.
Of the 16 Giver states, Mr. Gore carried 12.
Juxtaposing these maps provides a new perspective on the political landscape. (Interactive moment: Color in the blue and red states - then you’ll get the full picture.)
Republicans seem to have become the new welfare party – their constituents LIVE OFF TAX DOLLARS PAID BY PEOPLE WHO VOTE DEMOCRATIC (emphasis mine).
****
Here’s the thing. Sorry, but we simply can’t afford your kind of ignorance any more. It’s been fun, but it has to end. Now. 700 Billion Dollar Bailouts, Idiotic Wars in Iraq, Katrina, trampling of constitution, outing CIA agents, carving “B’s” in people’s faces, Rumsfeldian incompetence, people and dinosaurs living together 4000 years ago, Americans TORTURING folk in dark rooms, 700 Club loving - all of your craziness puts us in mortal danger. Our children are less safe, and our futures are less secure.
So . . . we want a divorce.
By Alex on Oct 26, 2008 | Reply
Wow, you really hate college professors, don’t you?
By the way, Bill Ayers never killed anyone or tried to kill anyone. The Weathermen sent evacuation warnings in advance and made sure only to damage property. That doesn’t make what they did OK, but it’s a lot closer to vandalism than it is to mass murder. Setting up a moral equivalence between them and the kind of people we normally call terrorists — Al Qaeda and their ilk — is absurd.