What People Want From A Relationship
July 21, 2008 / 1:37 pm • By Dr. Melissa ClouthierA new friend who wishes to remain anonymous wrote a post in response to Maureen Dowd’s man-discomfort phase (glad she seems to be finally out of it) a couple years ago, but it seems so prescient even now. He said:
The idea that men want women who are not intellectually challenging, or smart, or funny, or witty, or exciting, or career driven or “successful”–at anything–is bogus. But nor is it proper to assert that men always want the smartest girl in the room. Guys and girls, who want to get married, are always looking for the right fit. They are looking for the person who makes them laugh, who they can talk to, party with, but who they can also just sit with. They are looking for the person who “gets” them, who they’re attracted to, who they respect, who they want to see grow both spiritually and professionally, and who helps them do the same. That’s who most men, real men anyway, and real women, are looking for.
And there is no formula for success. Because that’s not what marriage is. Your spouse is not a notch on the bedpost, or an acquisition, or a trophy, or a psyche validation, or a servant, or the next chapter in Maureen’s book. Your spouse is your heart, your love and your life–and between the two of you that is a total effort of being. And when you find the right person, you give that freely, always.
And the beauty of it is, the men and women who are out there looking always seem to converge on that same truth. It’s just a question of finding one another.
Do you think this is true? Is this what everyone looks for?
Cross-posted at Right Wing News
5 Responses to “What People Want From A Relationship”
July 21 2008 / 6:59 pm
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I’m not certain of the percentage of men who would subscribe to that definition/description.
Speaking for myself, yes… most definitely.
The problem is in the last sentence: “It’s just a question of finding one another.” To wit, I respond: “No sh*t, Sherlock! Now how exactly do we go about doing that?”
For someone in their early 20s it’s much easier. But for someone middle-aged (single people in their 30s & 40s)? Blind dates? Speed dating? Church socials? Bar hopping? Night clubbing? Shopping cart bumping? Going broke on yourperfectmatedotcom? Ummmmm… I don’t think so.
July 22 2008 / 5:08 am
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Ok, I admit the above fits me too; and it’s worked out well for 18 years so far, even though she said “maybe”
Yes I remind her every year too.
Tubador, if you stop actively “looking”, you’ll find each other. Maybe at work, maybe bar hopping, maybe Church socials. Mine was at a recreational volleyball league. I’d guess grocery stores are a good place as long as you’re not afraid of the arugula.
July 22 2008 / 11:52 am
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That’s just it… I HAVEN’T been active (or, should I say “overly active”) in searching. I don’t do the blind dates. I did them a few times when in my 20s because friends kept on insisting, only to find out that the “type” of girl that they thought was right for me ended being the exact “type” that fit them instead. I’ve never done the “speed dating” thing because it’s so ridiculous and contrived. Church socials (trust me on this) are not always a good option. Regarding the on-line “match-up” sites, I looked into them and only tried one on a trial basis without laying down any cash. It ended being so easily manipulated, as well as coming off as impersonal and desperate.
I have a nephew who got suckered into one of those sites, and he ended up spending a LOT of money (four figures), and got nowhere. Just the thought of having to pay a third party to try and “hook you up” is completely unromantic to me. Not to mention that the sites are (in my opinion) the worst of the used-car salesman/snake-oil salesman type, preying on the emotions (and wallets) of people. And, at age 44, I’m a bit too old to do the bar scene – unless I want to try and get into the panties of young 20-somethings (as easily enticing as that sounds to most guys).
I know I’m coming off as a bit frustrated… but, well YEAH… I’m friggin’ frustrated. I took myself “off the market” (for lack of a better phrase) for quite some time because I didn’t want to deal with the BS anymore. But that doesn’t stop the heart from yearning. After a while the rejections start to get to a guy, whether he wants to admit it to himself or not. This post (which I saw as a link from RWN), and a previous post by Melissa (about single 40-something men) just seems to have touched a nerve with me lately.
On quite a few occasions throughout my adult life I could have very easily indulged myself with certain women, whether it was the flaky, new age, single mom who “just wanted to have fun” and not commit to anything, or the women who were attracted to me but I had no mutual attraction to them, or the older “cougars” who always seemed to be attracted to my long hair when I used to have long hair. But my core choose not to “use” those women for selfish ends, no matter how tempted I was or easy is could have been. Meanwhile, when I do find someone who’s attractive to me (internally as well as externally) it never ends up being mutual. Again… frustrating.
July 22 2008 / 2:33 pm
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It’s probably not what you want to hear, but I’ve often thought that if I wasn’t married, what the heck would I do at my age (45). I do a bit of fly fishing to keep me sane, my wife has gone to some of the shows with me. She made a comment one time along the lines of “More women should come to these because almost all the guys here are just regular/real guys”. I don’t have any advice to give, just when you stumble across the right one, you’ll both know it.
July 24 2008 / 9:33 am
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Trubador, picking up on what mer had to say – what are your interests? Art? Classic cars? Music? Softball? Sports of all sorts? If you aren’t doing it already, spend more time pursuing the things that are of interest to you. By doing so you are coming in contact with people who share a mutual passion. That’s kind of the science part of it… and now for the romantic/true love part of it – keep your eyes, ears open…people come in and out of your life everyday… it took a mutual friend to fix me up 20 years ago… the girl and I crossed paths several times a week but I never approached her, she was seeing someone (I later learned was a jerk) so I never gave ity much thought. It took 1 date to know that I wanted to see her again and 2 dates to know she was the person for me. This is coming from someone who felt he would never settle down – it’s 20 years later & we’re still going strong – It does happen.